Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Fighting With Anxiety...

For those that are lucky enough to not have to deal with the anxiety or depression, it can be hard to understand what it's really like. If you know someone with anxiety or depression (or both) you may not understand why they say the things they say, do the things they do, or don't do the things they don't do. Please know that it's (usually) nothing you said or did. In fact, it usually has nothing to do with you or how the person feels about you. 
Please understand, it's nothing personal.

All anxiety is not the same. It's different for each person and sometimes each episode is different for one person. We all react to it differently and have different ways of coping with it. I don't claim to speak for everyone, but as someone who has struggled with anxiety attacks and depression for most of her life, this is what some of those moments are like for me:

Most days for me, it's just dealing with endless ridiculous thoughts. Analyzing and agonizing over every single detail of everything. Every conversation I've had. Every decision I've made. Beating myself up over things I've done. Beating myself up over things I haven't done. The simplest decision feels like I'm trying to decode some long lost language and the existence of the entire world is relying on me to get it right.

Some days, I wake up

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Whole30 Day 31... The Results Are In! Drumroll please...

I can't even believe I'm posting this... like, publicly, but THESE are my Whole30 results. The before pics were actually from Day 10. Yes, I still have a loooong ways to go, but I'm finally feeling confident that I WILL get there. This journey is MINE and I'm doing the damn thing.

30 Days of Hard Work's Results:

What you see:
☆22 lbs lost and
☆23.5 total inches gone.

What you DON'T see:
☆Food no longer controls me.
☆Cravings don't tell me what to eat.
☆My sugar addiction took a hike.
☆I have a TON more energy.
☆I'm not a crab ass all the time anymore.
☆I feel amazing
☆Seriously, AMAZING.
☆I sleep better.
☆I have taken control of MY life back.

All of this in 30 DAYS. I only exercised 3 times because I wanted to see what REAL FOOD would do for my body. I'm beyond impressed. I'm starting another round on Tuesday and this time I'm going to consistently exercise. I can't wait. This is truly only my beginning. <3

Time to hit "post" before I chicken out. Lmaooo

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Whole30 Day 30... Eureka!

This is the face of a very very happy and proud broad:

Why? Well, because I have officially completed my Whole30 Challenge! 30 days of hardcore strict compliance of No sugar, No dairy, No grains/gluten, No soy, No alcohol, and No legumes. And I made those 30 days my biiiitch! I know it's not about weight loss but as someone who is 200+ lbs, seeing a loss would sure be nice. That said, I can't wait til tomorrow morning to weigh in and take measurements, tho my biggest reward is definitely how absolutely AMAZING I feel! Going to enjoy a treat or two this weekend (within moderation) and then I'm going for another 30 days. This time, I'm going to incorporate consistent exercise into the mix. See you all on Tuesday!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Whole30 Day 23... Uggghhhhh

Day 23 of my Whole30 Adventure and Day 2 of feeling like complete and utter dog crap.

I couldn't even THINK about making dinner for everyone last night, nor making everyone's lunches for today. So I sent my son with money for school lunch, left the hubster on his own (thinking he'd buy lunch) and got up this morning still very queasy to make a compliant lunch for my daughter.

Spent 90% of the day laying on the couch half ass interacting with my 3 year old. Poor kiddo. I hate not being able to give all of me. But she was such a trooper with her little Doc McStuffins Dr Bag. "Mommy, I make you all better?" Awwwww...

The Hubster came home from work and informed me that he didn't buy his lunch today. Instead, he made himself a healthy lunch before work! Shut! Up! He also informed me that when I'm done with my Whole30, he doesn't want his lunches to go back to the way they were. He wants to keep taking the healthier lunches. Whaaaaat?!? That is HUUUGE! He said he feels so much better throughout the day with what I've been packing him. He's not as tired. He's not going crazy with hunger halfway through the day. That right there is a miracle.

I tried to eat today, because I'm soooo damn hungry, but also because I know that my body NEEDS nutrients. All I managed to get down was 2 sips of chicken broth (then ran my ass to the bathroom), natural applesauce which I thankfully kept down, and some scrambled eggs and apple. Those aren't sitting well. I can feel them rebelling in my stomach.

I'm off to bed now to hopefully sleep the rest of this bug away.

Onto Day 24!!

Whole30 Day 22... Please pass the bucket.

Today started out great. I woke up before my alarm. Then I went back to sleep for a bit. That should've been a warning for me that something wasn't quite right because I've been practically leaping out of bed every morning.

I made myself a delicious breakfast. Enjoyed every bite of my steak with peppers, onions, and eggs. Or should I say "enjoyed" it twice? Cuz a couple hours later I was hit with the gnarly stomach bug that my 3 kiddies passed around the house last week. Uggghhhhh

Being sick sucks. Being sick as a mom double sucks. Being sick as a mom on the Whole30 triple sucks! It's bad enough when you take care of everyone else while they're sick only to have to continue running the household while you're so sick that you can't go to the bathroom without keeping a fucking bucket on your lap. But then you start thinking "ohhh, man, I'll bet some flat 7 up would help my tummy feel better". Oh yeah, no pop. And let me tell you, it's been a couple months since I had any pop but since getting sick, I'm literally salivating over the thought of pop. "Hmmm... crackers. Crackers might help." Nope. Can't have those, either. "How about rice..." nooooope.

So I layed in bed, totally miserable. Both because I was so sick and because I was thinking of all the stuff I couldn't have. Lol

Well, at least I can say that I stayed compliant another day, uh? Onto Day 23...

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Whole30 Day 15.. Keeping it real, today can go to hell.

Seriously, straight to hell.

The floor guy had to come back today to finish putting in the kitchen floor. Once again, just as I drop my middle kiddle off at school, come home, and go into the kitchen to start making breakfast, the doorbell rings. Yup, it's Luna. Crap. I grab a small handful of cashews, let him in, and retreat into the living room. Where we sit for the next 6 hours. No way to make breakfast. No way to make lunch. It felt like my stomach was trying to eat itself.

I run to pick the middle kiddle up from school and the guy is finally done. I sign off on the job and he leaves. After cleaning the kitchen for the guy to come install the floor, I'm now left with thick sticky dust EVERYWHERE. No joke, on every single surface in the kitchen, on every single surface in the living room.. All. Over. The. Floor. I had to mop the floor 3 times to get it all up.

On top of dust everywhere, I'm also now left with the job of putting everything back into the cabinets. Everything that I had just taken out yesterday so he could pull the cabinets out to do the floor under them. My mom put her stuff away, but left everything else for me. Yaaaaay me.

I started getting a headache from not eating so I went up to my room to lay down for a bit. Not too long after, I smell Chinese food. I have been craving Chinese food since Day 2. Yup, my mom ordered Chinese food and now the leftovers are in the fridge to taunt me with their deliciousness.

Then the hubby comes home with kettle corn microwave popcorn. Noooooooooo!!! I seriously cannot win today! Luckily for me (and him) he decided not to make it tonight.
I'm so incredibly over today. But I stayed on track and am ready for Day 16. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Whole30 Day 14.. The Day From Hell..

Ohhhh man.. If ever there was a day that was trying to throw me off left and right, today was that day. 

We had Luna come out to install our kitchen floor. I accepted that I wouldn't be able to go into the kitchen for a couple hours, and that was ok. As long as I got breakfast before the installer came. I took out some eggs and got a pan ready, and as soon as I turned on the burner, my doorbell rang. Daaaamn it. So I hurry up and throw a couple pieces of fruit into a bowl with a hard boiled egg. I toss a Larabar into my pocket just in case he's here a while. Thank God I did...

Here begins our tale:
Installer shows up and within 5 minutes, asks me to fill out and sign paper work before the job is done so he can get that out of the way. He starts to pull up the tile and says "oh. You have two layers of tile? My order is to remove only one." I said "yes, there's two and we paid to have both removed." (We had lifted up a tile to show the salesman there's two layers. He even knelt down to look closer agreed. We had had an entire conversation about what kind of tile the first layer was.) Installer tells me "no, my order is for only one. If I have to do two, I have to call the office. That's an extra charge." -__-

Then, he looks at my kitchen counter/cabinets and says "is this tighted to the wall?" I tell him that it is screwed into the wall. He says "ohhh. This has to come out. You have to clear the counter top off and empty all the cabinets and drawers. Then I need to "untight" it and tear out the floor there. Then put it back in. Extra charge and extra day of work." -______-

Now, the salesman can't start work till he gets a payment approval number. This meant playing phone tag with my mom at work. Calling Luna several times. This all took 2 hours. And I was already hungry. 

6 hours later, he finally left. Our floor wasn't even put in yet. He's gotta come back tomorrow to actually lay the floor.

I was so freaking hungry at this point, I just wanted to cry. THESE are the moments that I just wish I could say "screw it" and order a pizza. Or send the hubster out for fast food. Well, I mean, I could. But Lucy and I couldn't eat it. And that would suck having to smell it.

I wound up just throwing some chicken breasts, potatoes, and green beans together to roast in the oven.

If he's coming back tomorrow, I've gotta make sure I'm prepared food wise. Cuz this is crazy!
Onto Day 15...

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Whole30 Day 13.. Is It Over Yet??

No? Not yet? I'm only on Day 13? Well, crap.
It honestly feels like I've been on this Whole30 for 30 years already. Lol It's just dragging on and on. At least I'm feeling better than I have in yeeeears, right?

I think that Sundays are the hardest day of w30 for me. Mostly because that is the only day of the week that my hubster is home when I wake up in the morning. Which means that he gets up and makes coffee. And sometimes, he'd even pour me a cup, bring it upstairs, and put it on my nightstand. Probably hoping the smell would wake me up and I'd wake up and cook. But still. Once I was up, it was nice to sit and have coffee together. I guess I could still drink it but I just can't stomach it black anymore. And Coconut milk tastes disgusting in coffee. At least to me, anyways. I just don't understand how people like it. And that whole Bulletproof coffee phase? Yeah, I don't get what all the "it's so delicious" fuss is about. On what planet?! Cuz to me, it tastes like dirt. Sorry not sorry.

Oh well, I'm almost halfway through this. Just gotta hold out a bit longer.

Day 13, over and out.