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Saturday, May 18, 2013

My Not So Baby...

Birthday Pancakes for the birthday boy

Time really does fly by much to quickly. Today, my firstborn turned 14. I cannot get over the fact that he is 14 already. He is graduating 8th grade next week  and the next time that I register him for school will be for high school. *sobs* We don't always see eye to eye, and we butt heads fairly often, but my love for him will never waiver. He challenges me daily and I grow from that. He makes me laugh countless times a day, every day, even when I don't want to and I appreciate that. His strength amazes me. He has truly shown me what unconditional love is. Sometimes it's downright hard being the mama of a teenager, and sometimes I'm not sure how the hell I'll make it through. But I always do. Somehow, I always do.

I remember being terrified when I found out that I was pregnant with him. I was only 17 and still in school and what the hell was I going to do? Was I ready for this? You bet your ass I was ready. Mentally I was always pretty mature for my age. I was often told that I was an old soul. Now was it the ideal age to have a baby? Of course not. But did I decide right then and there to grow up and not look back? Absolutely. It hasn't always been easy, but here we are. And if I could go back, I wouldn't change my decision.

I am NOT advocating teenage pregnancy by ANY means. I want to throw shit at my TV when I'm scrolling through channels and see "Teen Mom" or "16 and Pregnant" are on. What the fuck is wrong with this world? Who the hell had the brilliant idea to reward teenagers for getting knocked up? Yeah, lets put em on TV and make them stars. I didn't get rewarded for getting pregnant. Hell, I got a smack upside my head from my older sister, I got high blood pressure and put on bed rest. Oh and fat. I got fat. Yaaaaay me! And the shows are filled with such drama. I'm sorry but some of these girls are just total twits. How about instead of focusing on the, popping babies out, you make a show about them going to school? Or better yet, just take that crap off the air and make them live the mommy life without the glamor of being on television.

Ok, end of rant there. Sorry about that. Back on course, I want to thank my sweet, not so little anymore, son. For coming into my life and changing it, for changing me. I don't know who I would be if it wasn't for him. For making me laugh, for making me cry, through the good times and the bad, through thick and thin, no matter how old he gets, he will always be my baby. I am quite proud of the young man he is becoming and cannot wait to see the man he will become. I love you, Michael. With all of my heart and soul. Happy birthday, my friend and son.
M at about a year and a half
M and I. He was about 5 months here.
At 14, and already quite a bit taller than me.


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Semi-Wordless Wednesday...

Saw this while surfing the web and it REALLY struck a chord with me. I just HAD to share it. I couldn't find who the pic belonged to, so if you know, please shoot me a comment so I can give proper credit.

Monday, May 13, 2013

My Mother's Day...

It wasn't exactly the greatest day over here... I don't know why I always expect things to go a certain way, but I always do and then I wind up being very disappointed. Luckily,, my best broad, Brina, invited us over for a BBQ. So we packed up the kiddies and that's exactly what we did.

     All in all, my day turned around rather quickly, tho. I mean, with great company, conversation, and yummy food, how could it not?

My Mother's Day in a few pics.

Cooking up a yummy Mama's Day breakfast of churro french toast,eggs and breakfast potatoes..

Family Pic, Mother's Day 2013
Just relaxing. :)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day!!


For lovingly giving scraped knee kisses
And cleaning up all those sticky messes,

For those nights you've seen more vomit than you can bear
And you're pulling day old cheerios out from your hair

For your lack of sleep,
And your aching feet,

For doing all the things that no one ever sees
Because when asked to help, everyone flees

For the cooking, 
For the cleaning,
For encouraging their dreams

For the times you feel you're always on the losing team
To all you mamas, old and new
Whether just one kid or more than a few

Happy Mother's Day from me, 
to each and every one of you

©RyanAnn LiveLaughLoveBake

©RyanAnn LiveLaughLoveBake

Friday, May 10, 2013

Happy happy birthday to my baby!

  
First ever fondant cake (and duck. lol). Not happy with it but I guess I have to start somewhere, uh?

      I cannot believe that my sweet little baby is already 1 year old. This year really flew by! I swear it was just yesterday that I heard my dr say to me, "Guess what? You're going to the hospital and having this baby TODAY." I remember calling Mr on the phone and telling him. And his excitement. And then his disbelief when I told him "Ummm no. No way. I'm going home first." He tried to convince me to go straight to the hospital, but that just wasn't happening. We had NOTHING ready. I didn't even have a hospital bag packed as I wasn't due for another 2 weeks.

     I went home, and as I looked around the house, panic set in. Rooms weren't finished being cleaned. Meals hadn't been prepared and put in the freezer. Where was my time? I needed... more... time! I was due May 24th, but baby J had her own plans. In the middle of packing a bag, I started freaking out and pointing to the dry erase calendar. "SEE? She's supposed to be here closer to THEN!" Mike took the marker and drew an arrow from May 24th to May 10th and said "Well, she's coming TODAY."

     When I held my brand new beautiful baby girl in my arms that night, I cried. Watching each little breath she took, counting each chubby finger and toe, smelling her thick black hair... (ohhh the clean baby smell. I'm telling you, someone should bottle that smell. They'd make a fortune!) I was sort of still in shock that we actually had another baby. Hell, sometimes I'm STILL in shock that we have another baby. lol

It has truly been a whirlwind of a year, and my baby J was the absolute highlight of it all. She has opened my heart even further than I thought possible. To my sweet baby girl, mommy wishes you a VERY happy birthday. And I hope that I have given you as much happiness as you have given me this first year. I love you baby girl.
At birth
4 months old
6 months old
10 months old
11 months old
The Birthday Girl. 1 year old.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Wordless Wednesday




     Birthday cake made for me by my good friend, Myra. It was so very sweet of her!



"Happy" Birthday?

     So, today I turn 32. Where the hell does the time go? I really don't feel 32. I mean, physically I feel like I've been through the wringer, but mentally I still feel 15. I don't act like it, but I feel it, ya know? Is that weird? Please tell me I'm not the only one!
     
     When I came into this world so many years ago, they didn't expect me to make it. My mom wasn't doing well either, tho she recovered quite a bit sooner than I did. I was premature and (obviously) VERY tiny. I remained in the hospital, fighting, for a while and after hanging on and pulling through, was deemed a "miracle baby."
     
     Sometimes it seems like that was to prepare me for a life of having to fight for everything. To fight to be happy. To fight to fit in, and then to fight to NOT fit in, choosing rather, to go against the "norm." To fight to keep on living after I lost my dad. To fight to hold a marriage together when things were so rough and all I wanted was to say "screw this, I'm out." It seems that nothing comes easy, and I guess that is good. It makes me appreciate the things I do have that much more because I worked my ass off for them.
    
     This is proving to be a rough birthday for me. I'm not entirely sure why, whether it is the fact that I am another year over 30, or I'm not quite satisfied with where I am in life right now, or that I'm just missing my dad extra today. Whatever it is, it sucks. I have spent the majority of the morning so far crying. Not just crying, but sobbing. It feels like I am in mourning all over again and that sucks. I know the grief process is a cycle, but is it supposed to be a never ending cycle?
    
     I find myself crying that my dad isn't here to enjoy a homemade cake. He passed before my baking skills got so much better. I know he would love my baking. And my cooking. I just want him to be proud of something I have done with my own two hands. I cry because he isn't here for my kiddies. He was so very close with my son, M. And M really needs a strong male figure in his life such as my dad would've been for him. He got to meet my sweet little L, but not for nearly long enough. And he never met my sweet little baby J. Two of my children will not remember the best man that I've ever known, except through the stories I tell of him. That breaks my heart to pieces. I cry because sometimes I just need a hug. And to see him smile and wink at me. And to hear him tell me that he loves me.  I cry over my coffee right now, because I know that chances are if he was still here, right now at this very moment, he and I would be sitting at the table, chatting over a cuppa joe. And he would know what to tell me to do. He always knew what I needed to hear. He didn't give a shit what I wanted to hear, always just what I needed. I swear that man knew everything. And I could sure use some of that wisdom right now.
     
     I just feel like something is missing. I don't know what it is, just that it feels like there is something more that I should be doing. I feel like I am not good enough, never ever good enough. That no amount of cooking, cleaning and loving will ever be enough to make everyone else happy. And I love to make people happy. The problem with that tho, is that I focus on making everyone else happy and forget about myself. And then I feel myself start to further fall away from... well, from me. I can't hold everything and everyone together while I myself am unraveling. 
    
     I guess I just need to take it slow today. Focus on one breath at a time. Try and push the negative to the back and focus on the positive and the memories..

Happy Birthday to me.