Gearing Up For Oklahoma

     We leave tomorrow for Oklahoma, for my niece, Shana's funeral. It is surely going to be a very long and heartbreaking trip for everyone, but we need to remember that we are not going there just to mourn. (Yes, I am sure we will be doing more than our fair share of it, myself included, I mean- how can we not? So many have been left devastated by this loss.) But, we must remember that we are also going there to celebrate her life... Her spirit... Her light. It is so easy to lose sight of all of these things when in the midst of grieving, but Shana would not want us to remember her as she was when she was sick, nor would she want us to be sad. She would want us to remember her for the wonderful person that she truly was. She would want us to be happy that she is in a better place and grateful that she is no longer suffering. And I'm quite certain she would want us to take a page from her and be strong for each other.

     That's really all I have right now... I should probably get back to packing and other preparations. Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers as we travel there and back, and as we say not our good byes to Shana, but our see you laters. As we WILL see her again, one day.

A Tremendous Loss...

     Let me start by saying that I struggled with whether or not to write this, or if it is too soon, but have decided to press ahead. As hard as it is, I NEED to get this out or I fear I may explode... So here it goes...

     Today is a very sad day for us. Our family has lost a truly amazing young woman. A loving mama to beautiful little girl, a dedicated daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend, and to my husband and I, a niece. My heart is absolutely shattered as I write this and the tears just won't stop. Every time I have to type the word "was" it just kicks me in the chest... Using "was" instead of  "is"... It's a lot to wrap my brain around right now.

     Shana was a beautiful, vibrant, and loving soul. I don't think there was ever a person that met her that was not touched by her in some way. And if there was, believe me, it was their loss. She was just that type of person...  She always wanted to make the world a better place. (Well, mission accomplished sweetie, you made the world a better place just by being here, by being YOU.) The world would be a much better place if more people in it were like her.

     It has been far too long since I last saw her, but I vividly remember her smile. It was infectious. It was simply impossible to see her smile and not find yourself smiling in return. She was so caring and generous, I remember when she stayed with us a for a short while, ohhh about 7 summers or so ago, I was very depressed and my house was a wreck. Seeing this, she said nothing, smiled and just started cleaning. I told her she didn't have to do anything at all, but she just kept right on. After a while, I found myself almost feeding off of her energy and before I knew it, I was up cleaning and laughing with her. When we finished up, I offered to pay her, but of course she refused. That's just the kind of person she was. I wish I could tell her just how much that meant to me. (To be fair here, I want to say that her sister Sarah helped me a lot that day as well.. and I am very grateful to her, too.)

     When I first heard that Shana was sick, quite a few years ago now, I was just dumb struck. "Brain Cancer? Who? Shana? Nooo... There MUST be some mistake." It finally sunk in, but I remained hopeful, as she was strong. This was something we all knew, but I don't think we realized just HOW strong she really was. She was a fighter, that's for sure! She remained brave, and optimistic through it all. While I am glad to know that her pain and suffering is over, I still selfishly grieve for the loss. For her mother, her daughter, her husband, her brother and sister, her grandparents... For all of us. For every single heart that is aching for her right now, and believe me, there are MANY. We may never fully understand why she was taken from us, so young, so soon, but I can tell you that one hell of a "soldier" has joined the Lord's ranks today.

     I have often heard people refer to someones passing by saying that "their light was extinguished." I do not believe that. I believe with ALL THAT I AM, that Shana's light will NEVER go out. That if we look hard enough, we will see it shining brightly all around us, and if we listen hard enough, just maybe we will hear her laughter on the wind.

     Shana, sweetheart, know that you will always hold a very special place in our hearts. That you will always be loved, and never forgotten, as you will live on forever and ever in our memories. May you rest sweetly now, beautiful angel, until we meet again.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MAMA!

     Today is my mama's birthday, as well as her and my father's wedding anniversary. It tends to be a very bittersweet day since my daddy passed away. :( But she deserves to have a great day, she is a wonderful person, a fantastic mom and a wonderful Nana. My mom and  I didn't always get along, especially in my teen years... When I look back now, I feel awful for how I pushed her away, but I realize this was something I had to do... Part of growing up, I guess. I know I was really just being a typical teenager, but I really wish that I could take back all the times that I hurt her. There have been a few times where my son has said or done some things that really hurt me, and to think that that is not even one tenth of what I gave to MY mother or put her through... just.... man. She really MUST be an amazing woman since I am still here. LOL So anyways, to my mom:

    You have been there for me, no matter what I put you through. (and believe me- I know I put you through A LOT... if I could take it back, I would) You could've disowned me several different times and no one would have thought badly of you for doing so, I'm sure. ;) I know I was a handful, and for that I am sorry... I am so very glad that we have become so close. I know we have our spats, some quite a bit bigger than others, but you are one of my very best friends. There is NOTHING that I wouldn't do for you, and if I had the world to give, it would most certainly go to you.

     You have done SO much for me throughout the years, not to mention for my kiddies and for that, I will forever be grateful. I don't know where I would be today if not for you and your unconditional love. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their mama. (but they're gonna hafta fight me for ya!) To quote a cheeeesy song that I love, "My world is a better place, because of YOU." So, when you are down, or when we are fighting, or hell, whenever really, just remember that you are my mother, my friend, and I love you to no end!

     I hope you had a really nice birthday, because if anyone deserves some happiness, it's you.

Super Easy Strawberry Jam and Strawberry Compound Butter

     I LOVE making strawberry jam. In my opinion, it tastes SO much better than any store bought jam and you can watch the sugar. (It DOES take quite a bit of sugar, but I have lowered it without any problems) It really doesn't take all that long, so there's no excuse not to give it a try! ;) (Sorry for the blurry pic, I will try to get a better shot when my camera charges. DOH!)

Strawberry Jam: 

• 2lbs fresh strawberries, rinsed, dried and hulled
• 4 cups white sugar (I used 3 cups)
• 1/4 cup lemon juice (fresh squeezed is always best)

1. In a wide bowl, mash batches of strawberries until you have about 4 cups of smashed up berry.
2. In a HEAVY BOTTOMED saucepan, (and it should be a large one, because this will bubble up. A LOT) mix together the berries, sugar and lemon juice. Stir over low heat just until the sugar dissolves.
3. Turn heat up to high and bring to a nice strong rolling boil. You want to boil this, stirring often, until the temp reaches 220 degrees F. (I never check the temp as I don't have a thermometer. I boil it for 12-14 minutes. (how to test if it is done: keep a small glass plate in the freezer. After 10 minutes of boiling the jam, take the plate out and place about 1 tsp of jam onto the plate. Place it back in the freezer for a minute. GO STIR YOUR JAM! Take plate out and swipe your finger through to make a line. If the jam runs back together, boil for another 2 minutes. If it stays parted like the Red Sea, it's done!)
4. Now, if you are going to can this, you need to transfer it to hot sterile jars, leaving about 1/2 to 1/4 inch between jam and top of jar. Seal, and process in water bath for 10-15 minutes.
5. If the jam is going to be eaten right away, you don't need to process it. Just put it into your sterilized jars, place lids on and turn jar upside down on the counter for 10 minutes. After which, turn right side up and let cool a bit longer and then store in the fridge. (Unprocessed jars of this jam will not last very long, because there are no preservatives  to keep it. So eat it up!)

     Now for the Butter!

     I used to buy a brand of butter that had strawberries in it. I haven't been able to find the strawberry one in years, so I was SUPER happy to make this. I only used one stick of butter just to experiment with, so you can use more if you want. But this is what I used:

• 1 stick of butter, room temp, NOT melted
• 3-4 Tbsp of strawberry jam (you could use your homemade jam or you could even process some fresh strawberries into small pieces in a food processor and use those with the jam)

1. Place your butter into a bowl and with a mixer on low speed, whip it til nice and fluffy. If your butter was room temp this should only take a minute.
2. Add your strawberry jam (or your strawberry pieces and jam) and mix with mixer for a few seconds, just until incorporated.
3. Place on plastic wrap and form into a log. Roll it up, smoothing out log as you go. Wrap it up, pop in the freezer for an hour or so. Then keep it in the fridge. 

See? Told you it was simple! :D

Running With The Fireflies

     Notice that I did not say "catching fireflies?" I remember how much fun I had catching fireflies when I was a kid. It was a beautiful night, albeit pretty muggy, but there was a really nice cool breeze flowing, so I figured, "hey, lets round up the kiddies and catch us some fireflies!" Great idea!

     Wrong. In about two hours, we caught seven fireflies. Five of which I, myself, caught. M didn't catch any and lost interest after about an hour. L caught two... Well, on the last one she ran to the jar, opened her hands all excited and noticed it had escaped. She was soooo NOT happy.(See last pic lol)

     Now, that's the reason I said running with the fireflies, since most of those two hours was spent running back and forth chasing the little buggers. (I didn't remember that part from when I was younger. Oops! LOL) It went something like this:

"LOOK! There's one over there!" *run run run*

"Nooo!!! Wait! Over there!!" *run run run*

*Hmmm... I think I'll pretend I caught one so that L gets mad.*

"Oh wow! There's a BUNCH over that way! Let's go!" *more run run run*

"I'm just going to wait! La La La La La..."

 

 "Oooooh! There's one!" *sloooowly*

"HA! I got you now!"

"Mommyyyy! Loooook! I got it!" HUH?? "But...But...I caught it, I know I did!"

      I will say, it was a fun time, but definitely tiring for only seven fireflies. I really need to find someplace not too far that has a whole bunch of em. The kiddies don't believe me that places like that exist! LOL I'll show them. One day, I will...

More Than Just Mom...

     Maybe it was a blonde moment, I don't know, but I didn't even think to post my guest post! I had written a post as a guest blogger on This Is Mommyhood, (which by the way, is a seriously awesome blog. Elle has a beautifully twisted sense of humor, much like myself, and I quite literally find myself laughing out loud while reading some of her posts! If you haven't checked her out yet, you really should! Go on... Go! I'll still be here when you get back.)

     Anyhoo, like I said, it hadn't even dawned on me to post my guest post on my blog... So, here it is. :D

    More Than Just Mom….

I’m the proud mama bear of two really kick ass kiddies, Michael 12 and Lucy 7. I’m the wife (and sometimes it seems, also the mother of) a 34 year old mechanic with a bottomless stomach and an incessant NEED to race on the dirt track every.. single.. Friday.. night.. I am the strong willed daughter of a strong willed mother- (who we LIVE with in my grammie’s old house, need I say more?) I am also a maid, a nurse, a short order cook and waitress, a free taxi service, a psychologist and a referee.
I embrace all of these roles, but have come to realize that there is one title that always gets left in the dust: ME. I was me before I had kids and surely starting a family doesn’t mean that I have to entirely give up my old self, does it? (DOES IT?!?) It is so easy to lose ourselves in the day to day grind that comes with being domesticated. We feel selfish for thinking about ourselves or our own wants and needs.
As someone who hasn’t left the house- other than to go grocery shopping- in 2 months, let me just say this… You know that saying “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?” While grammatically fucked, it is completely true! I know I can definitely feel my sanity slipping away… Errrr… what’s left of it, anyways.
So, maybe as a statement or perhaps just a reminder to myself, here I am in type:

• I drink my coffee (LOTS of coffee) black with sugar.
• I dye my hair often and all shades of the rainbow.
• I am tattooed and pierced and am quite happy this way.
• I desperately need to lose weight and am NOT happy this way.
• I too often allow myself to get treated like a doormat.
• I have a very dark sense of humor and it’s not my fault if YOU can’t take a joke.
• My mouth would make a trucker run to confession, but I’m working on that.
• Good manners are surprisingly important to me.
• I have HAD IT with this bully issue and my son’s school that does N O T H I N G about it!
• Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, go to hell.
• I bake often, and always all from scratch.
• My family is my L I F E!

With all that said; tonight? I’m getting the hell out of dodge, going out for coffee with some friends where I will enjoy being…. well… ME. And then I will come home, re tuck my kiddies in, kiss their foreheads, wash my face off, go to sleep and wake up feeling renewed and ready to go. Because really, I wouldn’t trade my life for the world.

Yeeeeah, I REALLY need to take action tomorrow.

     Well, it's 3:00 am so I guess technically, I really need to take action later today. LOL I have to admit, I have been slacking lately. Like, seriously letting things squeak by in regards to cleaning and such. I need to step up, quit procrastinating and just get this crap done! Does it help that it is 3 in the morning and I'm still wide awake? Of course not! Should I be up getting started on it all since I'm awake? Absolutely. Will I? Probably not. And I'm sure I am going to sleep in today. UGH.

     One way or another, though, I WILL be getting some serious work done around here today. A few things on my list? Not that you care- but more for me to be accountable for if I post it...

• Get kitchen DONE. (all dishes, clear and scrub counters and table, clean out and reorganize some cabinets, sweep the floor... etc)
• Get both bathrooms cleaned. (I'm sure you can figure this one out.)
• Get hubby and my bedroom clean (it...is...a...mess.)  :(
• Try and finish the laundry room. (gather and sort through all the bags and bags of laundry, hell, maybe even wash some of it! Clear off and reorganize all the crap on all the shelves, etc)
• Lay about another 8 or 9 bags of rocks along the fence to- hopefully- keep the toads out of the yard.

     I'm sure I will think of a million other things that need to get done, but I'm also sure that after all of this is done, I won't do anything else. LOL Man, I feel like I have to psyche myself up to do this stuff... Or, ya know, go to bed. Ok, Ok, I'm going.... good night!

**UPDATE**

     Well, I finally fell asleep around 5:15 this morning and then woke up around 5:40 feeling sick as all hell. Dizzy and nauseous and felt like that all day. Needless to say, I got nothing done at all. Nothing. :( I guess we'll try again tomorrow. lol

Fresh Takes on Lemonade...

     Just like S'mores, almost nothing smacks you in the face and screams "SUMMER TIME!!!" like a nice cold glass of lemonade. I don't know about you, but I do tend to get pretty burned out on the same old same old. While reading an issue of Woman's World, I came across these fresh takes on the old classic:

• Virgin Watermelon Mojito: In a blender, puree 1 part lemonade with 1/2 part seedless watermelon chunks. For each serving, in a large glass, crush 2 lime slices with 1 Tbsp mint leaves. Add ice, then the watermelon lemonade.
• Lemonade Sunset: In a tall ice-filled glass, combine equal parts of lemonade and cranberry juice. Top off with a splash of orange juice.
• Tropical Breeze: In tall ice-filled glass, combine equal parts of lemonade, pineapple juice and passion fruit juice.
• Blueberry-Ginger: In a blender, process 1 part lemonade and 1/4 part blueberries. Fill tall ice-filled glass 3/4 full with the blueberry lemonade, then top off with ginger ale.
• Herbal Iced-Tea Lemonade: In a tall ice-filled glass, combine equal parts chilled, brewed lemon herbal tea and lemonade.
• Strawberry Lemonade: In tall glass, stir strawberry syrup, to taste, into lemonade, then add ice. For a little extra fun, top with a scoop of strawberry sorbet.

I am definitely going to be trying the Lemonade Sunset and the Strawberry Lemonade... Hmmm... And maybe the Tropical Breeze... Awww heck, that Blueberry-Ginger one sounds kind of interesting, I may just have to try that one, too! LOL Which one will you try?

Just a heads up...

     I JUST saw a recipe for an OREO KAHLUA ICE CREAM PIIIIE!!! Seriously.... How FREAKING yummy does THAT sound?!? I'm a bit of a broke ass this week, but make sure to check back here, because sometime in the next week or so, I'm ROCKING this pie! LOL :)

Four Simple Words...

"Love, Yer Old Man."

     That's all it took to turn me into a basket case at 3:00 this morning. I had suddenly remembered my oooold email password, and logged in (14,979 unread emails? UGH! It's going to take forever to weed through those to make sure I don't delete anything important.") Anyways, I'm scrolling through and BAM! like a pair of golf cleats to the heart, there was an email from my dad, from 2005. Which would be the year he passed away. (OK, I seriously hate that phrase, I can't believe I just used it.) The email was just a couple sentences in reply to something I had emailed him, but my God, how it killed me. It's weird how years can pass and you think a wound is almost healed only to have something rip it back open and you are right back where you started. The feeling alone, the guttural sobs, the intense pain of having a piece of your heart slowly burned away...

     Let me explain a bit. On the 4th of July, I was talking to my nearest and dearest friend, Brina. I was telling her how much I missed my dad and how every time he gave me a card, he signed it "Love, yer old man." And how it makes me sick that I will never see that again. So, you see, seeing that was like getting a brand new card and seeing that signature. It was love and happiness and rainbows shoved into a bottle with "the Nothing" (from the Neverending Story? It eats and destroys everything? No? *sigh*) It got me sooooo high and sank me sooooo very low in a matter of about 15 seconds.

     Now, last night about 2 hours before, I had been talking to another good friend, Patty. I was telling her about how I so very desperately NEED to lose weight, but I just have ZERO motivation to do so. (Cuz you know, improving my health doesn't count, right? *eye roll at myself*) This email contained a little snippet about weight. (My father was a very large man, a gentle giant, really.) I also found an email that I had sent my father with a story and pictures of a man who had lost, like, 300lbs or something to that effect. I had said to my dad, "WOW! Look at this. If he could lose this much, I KNOW we can do it, too." Just trying to motivate him. Looks like this was his way of motivating me, from beyond...

     Ready for the kicker? I had not signed into this email account in probably 2 YEARS or so, and usually after 3 (maybe 4?) MONTHS of inactivity, they deactivate it and you lose everything. Chalk it up to yet another sign from my dad... This has left me with such a tremendous amount of motivation to get this weight off. Because he needed to, because he couldn't, because I need to, because I still can. Because I want my life back and because I want to make him proud.

     I miss you endlessly, dad, and I love you to the moon and back. Thanks for the kick in the pants, and for being the BEST dad in the world while I had you. Even if it wasn't nearly long enough (but really, is it ever? how much time IS enough?) Hell, even from beyond, you are still the best dad anyone could wish for. Thank you for... well.... EVERYTHING.

Insomnia strikes again....

     Here I am, laying in bed at 2:58 am and I am sooooo very tired, but of course sleep just won't come. This is getting really old, really quick. There is a constant stream of babble running through my head and try as I might, it just won't stop. "The kitchen is an absolute mess, WHY don't you get up now and clean it?" "Ummm... because it's 2:00 in the morning and I am really freaking tired." (yes, I even answer myself in my head. And out loud, sometimes, too!) "The laundry pile is mysteriously growing bigger while you lay here." "Why aren't you up cleaning your room? Cuz you KNOW you're not going to do it tomorrow!" "How the hell am I going to get decent groceries for yummy but nutritious meals on this nickle and dime budget this week?" "If I fall asleep right now, I will get at least 5 hours of sleep. That'll be fine...." 2 hours later... "If I fall asleep now, at least I'll get 3 hours of sleep. Or maybe I can sleep in an extra hour or two... hmmm... yeah, that sounds good."

     Then, I wind up not falling asleep til about 4:40/5:00 am and I end up sleeping in WAY too late. Thank God the kiddies are older and can get a bowl of cereal if they are hungry, but I feel guilty about that. I should be awake and cooking them an awesome breakfast. I just cant help it. If I could get some freaking sleep, I COULD be up making them breakfast. And I COULD have energy throughout the day to get stuff done...

     After my self inflicted mental beatings, tossing and turning and staring at the clock, I start to doze off. And inevitably, Mike will roll over and elbow me, or fling his hot sweaty leg over mine or will let loose a behemoth of a snore and I will be right back at square one. SIGH... I....just....want....to....sleep! Is that really asking for too much? So come on, Mr. Sandman- you don't have to bring me a dream, just knock me the hell out and I will sing your praises forever! Please?

(Too) Lazy Days...

     With Summer here and the temperature quickly rising, I find my motivation slooooowly draining away. I get a little lazier with the meals, slack off on the cleaning a little more than usual, and lets not even mention the laundry. UGH! I don't know what it is, but I CAN tell you that I really can't stand it! I find that I don't really want to do much of anything, but lay poolside with the kiddies and some lemonade. I guess it's a good thing that I can recognize this as a problem, and hopefully this is the first step in fixing it.

     So, I pledge that within the next few days, I will catch up on laundry (which believe me, will be NO easy feat. lol) I will keep up with the dishes, and I will put forth more effort when it comes to our meals. There is so much more to do, but I don't want to overwhelm myself.. And it is still Summer, and darn it, I WILL enjoy it. :)

Battling the Toads....

     "RYAAAAAAAN AAAAAAANN!!!" That would be my mom screaming my name from outside at around 5:15 am. That is also how I have been woken up several mornings now. LOL Apparently, we have a toad problem. A big toad problem.

     We have lived in this house for almost 3 years now and in all that time, we have seen MAYBE 2 toads. For some reason though, the last month we have been seeing toads almost everyday! Big toads, little toads, skinny toads, fat toads, we've seen em all. This really wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for a few reasons.

1. My mom is deathly afraid of toads. She does not like them one bit.
2. They're not very good for dogs.
3. We HAVE dogs.
4. Our dogs REEEALLY want to try and eat the toads.

     So, yes, I have been woken up like that many times now and stumbled down the stairs in a sleep induced fog to get rid of the offender for my mom. And every time that I sleepily toss a toad over the fence (VERY gently, I do not do it hard, just enough so that it lands in the grass and not on the sidewalk) I can't help but giggle as it's arms and legs spread and it looks like the WB frog dancing.

     Other than filling in gaps along the fence with 12 bags of rocks (which I'm NOT looking forward to doing- LOL- I'm really not sure what to do to keep these little buggers out of our yard, so for now, the battle wages on...

     Suggestions, anyone?

Happy 4th of July!

     This was the first year in almost 14 YEARS that we did not go to our local Fest to watch the fireworks... While kind of sad, I have to admit, it was nice to not have to fight through crowds at the fest and sit in bumper to bumper traffic to get home afterwards. Even though the trees around our neighborhood obstructed our view of the more awesome fireworks, we were still able to see some, the kiddies got to go for a night swim in the pool and the adults got to kick back and relax. (while watching the kiddies in the pool of course!)

     After all is said and done, tho, it really doesn't matter WHERE we go, as long as I have my family and my Brina and her family along for the ride. That is one routine I NEVER want to break! :)

Hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July filled with family, friends and fun! I know I did... So, tell me, what did YOU do to celebrate?