Losing a friend..

I got word this morning that a friend of mine had passed away. Being that today is April Fools Day, I was sure it was a cruel joke. Turns out, it wasn't..

Alex radiated love. And all she wanted was love in return. She was a strong woman, tough as nails. She had beaten cancer more than once. She was a great single mom to 5 beautiful kids. Things weren't always easy for her, but she tried to make the best of what she had. 

It wasn't always roses with Alex and I. In fact, when we were in high school,  (she was a year ahead of me) she actually used to pick on me and make fun of me. I mean, she was downright nasty to me. (Come to find out that she didn't remember any of that!) But, we all have done things when we were young and stupid that we aren't proud of. So through the wonder of Facebook (and some forgiveness, I suppose) we reconnected and became friends. And I'm happy that we did. 

We bonded over our weird preference of having our kids home during spring break or winter break, or summer vacation. (Most moms we knew dreaded breaks and couldn't wait for their kids to go back to school.). We bonded over our love of baking and cooking and doing so with our kids. Over how much we loved being moms. Over actually loving taking care of the man in our lives. Over our absolute love of God while living in such a dark world.. I honestly think we were both 50's housewives deep down inside that were born in the wrong generation. lol She was my partner in homemaking crime. We always meant to get one of her daughters and one of my daughters together to bake some yummy stuff.. Sadly it never happened.. and now it never will.

She came with me a few times to skate with my Roller Derby team. She was so excited about it and it seemed to be freeing for her (as it is for most of us). And while skating, she seemed to come even more alive, if that was possible. But, life got in the way and she wasn't able to do it anymore.

Over time, we hung out less.. Soon, fun and light hearted phone calls turned into hours of listening to her complain... I felt bad, but damn it, I had a ton of my own stuff going on as well. And it was proving to be impossible to help her with her issues while still being able to keep a handle on mine. 

As great of a person as she was, (and she really truly was!) unfortunately drama had a way of following her wherever she went. And if I'm being honest, sometimes I felt that she thrived on it. It offered excitement, ya know? I didn't judge her for it tho, because we all have faults. I know I sure do! But after a while, I had reached a point in my life where I was desperately trying to rid my life of all drama and negativity because it was sucking me in and pulling me down and I couldn't allow myself down that road again. (Not just from her, but from all directions) so I started distancing myself. I didn't want to totally leave her hanging so we'd still talk, just not as much.

(As a side note: None of this is to say that she was a bad person. She wasn't. She was a truly great person and had a truly awesome soul. She radiated love and light most of the time. But she let life dull her shine and beat her down. This should be a lesson to all of us! We all have issues but NEVER let the world dull your shine! No matter what!!)

Then, life started getting in the way on my end. I would see a missed call from her and mean to call her back, and before I knew it, a week had passed. And then two. In her quest to be loved, she had a habit of finding crazy guys that were no good for her. They'd turn mean and crazy and controlling and she'd eventually have to leave Facebook for a while and then create a new account with a different alias so they wouldn't find her. This last time, I wasn't sure if it was really her or one of the crazy guys pretending to be her. So I didn't accept the friend request. The phone number I had for her was no good anymore and so I had no way of getting a hold of her. So I waited to hear from her. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have moved Heaven and earth to get ahold of her..

Damn it, man... She had been on my mind and my heart for months, but I couldn't reach her. So I waited to hear from her thinking eventually she'd reach out to me again. She call. Or text. Or stop by. Or show up to a derby practice. But she never did get ahold of me.. 

Then I got this news...

I'm not sure what took her.. if it was cancer again, or something else. But the how doesn't matter. The how doesn't change the fact that this world lost another light. And let's face it, this world NEEDS light. 

I'm so lost in emotion right now. So many thoughts are running through my head. So much hurt in my heart. So many unanswered questions. And regret.

Regret... I fucking hate that word. I try to live without regrets, but this chapter is full of them. Could I have helped her? I wish I would have called her back more often. I wish I wouldn't have let life get in the way. I wish we wouldn't have lost touch months ago.. I wish I could've been there for her.. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish...

Now, all I can do is hope that she's at peace. I hope that she is at the feet of our Father, who she so dearly loved. And that ALL she feels is the love that she longed for. And I hope that one day, I'll see her again and I can tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry for not being aware of what she was going through while we were out of touch... That I'm sorry for not being there... if only I would've known..

If only....

If you have been distant from a friend or a loved one, whether just because life has gotten in the way or if it was over a spat, get back in touch. Because tomorrow is not promised to any one of us and you just might not get another chance.

Nothing but love and light to you, Alex. I will miss you more than you know.