Four Simple Words...

"Love, Yer Old Man."

     That's all it took to turn me into a basket case at 3:00 this morning. I had suddenly remembered my oooold email password, and logged in (14,979 unread emails? UGH! It's going to take forever to weed through those to make sure I don't delete anything important.") Anyways, I'm scrolling through and BAM! like a pair of golf cleats to the heart, there was an email from my dad, from 2005. Which would be the year he passed away. (OK, I seriously hate that phrase, I can't believe I just used it.) The email was just a couple sentences in reply to something I had emailed him, but my God, how it killed me. It's weird how years can pass and you think a wound is almost healed only to have something rip it back open and you are right back where you started. The feeling alone, the guttural sobs, the intense pain of having a piece of your heart slowly burned away...

     Let me explain a bit. On the 4th of July, I was talking to my nearest and dearest friend, Brina. I was telling her how much I missed my dad and how every time he gave me a card, he signed it "Love, yer old man." And how it makes me sick that I will never see that again. So, you see, seeing that was like getting a brand new card and seeing that signature. It was love and happiness and rainbows shoved into a bottle with "the Nothing" (from the Neverending Story? It eats and destroys everything? No? *sigh*) It got me sooooo high and sank me sooooo very low in a matter of about 15 seconds.

     Now, last night about 2 hours before, I had been talking to another good friend, Patty. I was telling her about how I so very desperately NEED to lose weight, but I just have ZERO motivation to do so. (Cuz you know, improving my health doesn't count, right? *eye roll at myself*) This email contained a little snippet about weight. (My father was a very large man, a gentle giant, really.) I also found an email that I had sent my father with a story and pictures of a man who had lost, like, 300lbs or something to that effect. I had said to my dad, "WOW! Look at this. If he could lose this much, I KNOW we can do it, too." Just trying to motivate him. Looks like this was his way of motivating me, from beyond...

     Ready for the kicker? I had not signed into this email account in probably 2 YEARS or so, and usually after 3 (maybe 4?) MONTHS of inactivity, they deactivate it and you lose everything. Chalk it up to yet another sign from my dad... This has left me with such a tremendous amount of motivation to get this weight off. Because he needed to, because he couldn't, because I need to, because I still can. Because I want my life back and because I want to make him proud.

     I miss you endlessly, dad, and I love you to the moon and back. Thanks for the kick in the pants, and for being the BEST dad in the world while I had you. Even if it wasn't nearly long enough (but really, is it ever? how much time IS enough?) Hell, even from beyond, you are still the best dad anyone could wish for. Thank you for... well.... EVERYTHING.