Saturday, April 1, 2017

Losing a friend..

I got word this morning that a friend of mine had passed away. Being that today is April Fools Day, I was sure it was a cruel joke. Turns out, it wasn't..
Alex radiated love. And all she wanted was love in return. She was a strong woman, tough as nails. She had beaten cancer more than once. She was a great single mom to 5 beautiful kids. Things weren't always easy for her, but she tried to make the best of what she had. 

It wasn't always roses with Alex and I. In fact, when we were in high school,  (she was a year ahead of me) she actually used to pick on me and make fun of me. I mean, she was downright nasty to me. (Come to find out that she didn't remember any of that!) But, we all have done things when we were young and stupid that we aren't proud of. So through the wonder of Facebook (and some forgiveness, I suppose) we reconnected and became friends. And I'm happy that we did. 

We bonded over our weird preference of having our kids home during spring break or winter break, or summer vacation. (Most moms we knew dreaded breaks and couldn't wait for their kids to go back to school.). We bonded over our love of baking and cooking and doing so with our kids. Over how much we loved being moms. Over actually loving taking care of the man in our lives. Over our absolute love of God while living in such a dark world.. I honestly think we were both 50's housewives deep down inside that were born in the wrong generation. lol She was my partner in homemaking crime. We always meant to get one of her daughters and one of my daughters together to bake some yummy stuff.. Sadly it never happened.. and now it never will.

She came with me a few times to skate with my Roller Derby team. She was so excited about it and it seemed to be freeing for her (as it is for most of us). And while skating, she seemed to come even more alive, if that was possible. But, life got in the way and she wasn't able to do it anymore.
Over time, we hung out less.. Soon, fun and light hearted phone calls turned into hours of listening to her complain... I felt bad, but damn it, I had a ton of my own stuff going on as well. And it was proving to be impossible to help her with her issues while still being able to keep a handle on mine. 

As great of a person as she was, (and she really truly was!) unfortunately drama had a way of following her wherever she went. And if I'm being honest, sometimes I felt that she thrived on it. It offered excitement, ya know? I didn't judge her for it tho, because we all have faults. I know I sure do! But after a while, I had reached a point in my life where I was desperately trying to rid my life of all drama and negativity because it was sucking me in and pulling me down and I couldn't allow myself down that road again. (Not just from her, but from all directions) so I started distancing myself. I didn't want to totally leave her hanging so we'd still talk, just not as much.

(As a side note: None of this is to say that she was a bad person. She wasn't. She was a truly great person and had a truly awesome soul. She radiated love and light most of the time. But she let life dull her shine and beat her down. This should be a lesson to all of us! We all have issues but NEVER let the world dull your shine! No matter what!!)

Then, life started getting in the way on my end. I would see a missed call from her and mean to call her back, and before I knew it, a week had passed. And then two. In her quest to be loved, she had a habit of finding crazy guys that were no good for her. They'd turn mean and crazy and controlling and she'd eventually have to leave Facebook for a while and then create a new account with a different alias so they wouldn't find her. This last time, I wasn't sure if it was really her or one of the crazy guys pretending to be her. So I didn't accept the friend request. The phone number I had for her was no good anymore and so I had no way of getting a hold of her. So I waited to hear from her. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have moved Heaven and earth to get ahold of her..

Damn it, man... She had been on my mind and my heart for months, but I couldn't reach her. So I waited to hear from her thinking eventually she'd reach out to me again. She call. Or text. Or stop by. Or show up to a derby practice. But she never did get ahold of me.. 

Then I got this news...

I'm not sure what took her.. if it was cancer again, or something else. But the how doesn't matter. The how doesn't change the fact that this world lost another light. And let's face it, this world NEEDS light. 

I'm so lost in emotion right now. So many thoughts are running through my head. So much hurt in my heart. So many unanswered questions. And regret.

Regret... I fucking hate that word. I try to live without regrets, but this chapter is full of them. Could I have helped her? I wish I would have called her back more often. I wish I wouldn't have let life get in the way. I wish we wouldn't have lost touch months ago.. I wish I could've been there for her.. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish...

Now, all I can do is hope that she's at peace. I hope that she is at the feet of our Father, who she so dearly loved. And that ALL she feels is the love that she longed for. And I hope that one day, I'll see her again and I can tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry for not being aware of what she was going through while we were out of touch... That I'm sorry for not being there... if only I would've known..

If only....

If you have been distant from a friend or a loved one, whether just because life has gotten in the way or if it was over a spat, get back in touch. Because tomorrow is not promised to any one of us and you just might not get another chance.

Nothing but love and light to you, Alex. I will miss you more than you know. 
8:25 PM / by / 15 Comments

15 comments:

  1. I think k many of the people that were close to her, lost contact of her for the same reason.. craziness seemed to follow her. I was there when she lost her house, I helped her pack, brought her many boxes. She came to a few of my daughters parties, and we shared many band stories. In highschool we used to compete over who's hair was longer.
    I hope now she is at peace, she will be very missed. Love you Alex.
    Rachel Moreno

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    1. So damn sad.. I wonder if she had any idea how many people really loved her.. we all did..

      Sending lots of love and light your way, girly. ❤

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  2. So sorry for the loss of your friend, Syd. Sending tons of love your way! <3

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    1. Thank you so much, Moxie. It is greatly appreciated. ❤

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  3. Let me make this clear first and foremost.  Ryanann, you know I have love for you and you also know I have had and will always have your back in life.  However,  I strongly disagree with some of your statement you made in this blog.

    As for highschool that was 22 years ago, I assume you still carry scars or you wouldn't have stated "  through the wonder of Facebook (and some forgiveness, I suppose).". Also, I don't understand the term 'I suppose" are you still harboring I'll feelings toward her?


    I to am a single mom, and, yes, we do want love so we lower our standards for just about anyone and if we can trust a friend enough to complain and not just it'll seem like a lot so your statement


    "Soon, fun and light hearted phone calls turned into hours of listening to her complain
    drama had a way of following her wherever she went. And if I'm being honest, sometimes I felt that she thrived on it. It offered excitement, ya know? "

    Single moms don't thrieve on drama.  They open themselves up not realizing that their is bad ppl out that will take advantage of them and the situation. 

    I'm not personally attacking you I'm simply saying that I don't think you understood her situation.  I also think this blog is 50/50 in her favor.

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    1. You know I have nothing but love for you, and I would've figured that you knew me better than that.. Do I have scars from High School? Absolutely. But scars don't mean that I hold a grudge. Scars are wounds that have HEALED. I don't harbor any I'll feelings for her. I stated "through the wonder of Facebook and a little forgiveness, I suppose" not to say that I was unsure that I had forgiven her. The "I suppose" meant that "I guess forgiveness played a part in is becoming friends. Because had I not have forgiven her, we never would've or could've been friends.

      I ABSOLUTELY understood the situation and better than most. You most definitely don't understand the situation or maybe you just didn't know the situation. Many people DIDN'T know the situation. But I knew it firsthand. I was there trying to help her as much as I could, for as long as I could. Not all single mom's lives are the same. To say that they lower their standards just isn't true. Some do, some don't. But that's true of people in general, not just single moms. And I said not a single thing that was untrue. The part about her just wanting to find love, is true. And that's not a fault. The part about her seeming to thrive on drama? That was also true. NOT that it was an intentional thing, but most people that had gotten close to her like I had, know this to be true. And I would bet my life on the fact that were she still here and in a better state of mind, that she would agree, too. Her and I had many conversations about that.

      The point I was making in the statement about the phone calls turning into hours of complaining was to say that her state of mind changed drastically. We all have problems, you know I have my fair share, but her ability to see the positives had diminished greatly. You can only hold an umbrella over someone through so many storms for so long before you start to get wet. Being exposed to negativity affects me more than most people. I can't help that. Call it a fault of mine, but for my own personal sanity, it became too much.

      If you truly think that this blog post was only 50/50 in her favor, than that makes me sad but you are entitled to your opinion. I know what was in my heart as I wrote it and what is in my heart now. You haven't seen the emotions I'm struggling with. You haven't seen the countless tears I've cried in the last two days. She absolutely was an incredible woman and explaining a bit of back story doesn't change that. But I don't sugar coat shit. I tell it like it is, or not at all. I don't speak ill of anyone, let alone those I love. NOTHING I said was meant in a negative way. Just speaking the truth on the very raw feelings that I'm feeling.

      I'm definitely sad that distance has clouded your image of me, and of my heart.

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    2. Sorry for typos at work and my phone keeps changing plrals, etc

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  4. Nothing has clouded my image of you by any means. I'm referencing as to her I personally know how it feels not to have anyone (where I'm at) and yes I'm sure she was depressed. I'm not saying 50/50 I'm just point out a few statement that I thought could have been phrased different. I don't claim to know everything nor would. When someone's opinion can influence a lot of people just making sure its all in good faith. Can't even imagine what her kids are going through.

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    1. Girly, I completely know what you mean and totally understand that feeling. You know I definitely know how that feels.Especially the being alone and depression..etc. It's a shitty feeling. As far as phrasing things differently, that's the problem with writing (texting, emailing, whatever..) it's so easy to misunderstand the tone of what is being said or the meaning behind it. That said, I definitely mean nothing bad about her. She had flaws, sure, but that's because she was human. We all have them. I have a laundry list of flaws myself, and hell, I write about mine, too. But I want to very clearly state that I loved her dearly. And words can't even express how heartbroken I am over losing her. I'm most of all sad for her kids. They are a great bunch of kids and I'm definitely praying for them every day. (well, some of them aren't quite kids anymore, but you know what I mean.)

      PS: Get a hold of me some time, damn it. Seriously.

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  5. I've tried a couple of time and messages didn't get read or text didn't get responded to so didn't know if you were upset with me. I've changed jobs, houses, hair color and phone numbers to stay away from "Frannie/Family's BS" my email is jean111380@gmail.com send me a message and I'll send you my number.

    And again, sorry for sounding like I disagree I would like to do a fundraiser for the kids.

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    1. Hmmm.. that's odd! I hadn't gotten texts or messages from you in forever. I've thought about you a lot and wanted to get in touch, but didn't have any current info to be able to contact you. I'll definitely email you.

      No worries, I totally get what you meant.

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  6. Trying to order an arrangement for Fridays services when the realization kicks in I've never done this before.

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  7. Thanks for the kind words,she was a good mom and loved our kids more than anything,strong willed and loved God.

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    1. That is the absolute truth. I know she will be truly missed by many. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

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