A Heavy Ramble...

I'm sure you can guess what this post is going to be about... You got it, my weight. I was always very, very thin. Hell, I still fit in a size 4-6 when I was 6 months pregnant with my first child. Of course, I was 17 years old and had always been pretty active. Until I got put on bed rest and then it all flew downhill from there. Giving into cravings whenever I had them and not being able to be active led to a weight gain of almost 90lbs with that pregnancy!!! Most of which was the last 4-5 months of it. 90lbs that quickly. That is insane! I lost about half of that weight within a year or so of giving birth, but I never lost all of it. A few years later I got married (and slowly gained everything back) and a year after that I was pregnant with my daughter, where I was put on bed rest again. I gained another 45lbs or so with that pregnancy. And never lost any of it.

Here I am, 8 years later, and the heaviest I have EVER been. While I really don't feel comfortable announcing my weight, I will just say that it is ALOT more than people think. I always hear "but you carry it well", "you don't look that heavy", and my favorite "you're not fat!" OK- I DO own a mirror, and I DO use it daily. Who the hell do you really think you are fooling? I don't know how people can say I carry it well, when all I see is fat. I can doll myself up and be feeling pretty decent about the way I look and then I will catch my reflection in a window or someone will take a picture of me, and I cringe. I just want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I guess I still have the thinner me in my mind, so when I see what I really look like to other people, like in a picture where I'm not turned just right, it knocks the wind right out of me. As far as the "you're not fat," seriously? I realize that you are trying to make me feel better, but you are actually causing the opposite to happen. Lying to me isn't doing me any favors.

I cannot stand not feeling comfortable in my own skin! I long for the days when I could go to the store and just grab a couple outfits without really having to try them on, because I *knew* they would fit. I dread fitting rooms, I always wind up in tears. I cannot stand not being able to be active like I used to be. I used to bike, blade, run, you name it. Now I get winded just walking too far. I cannot stand getting out of the shower and being slapped across the face by the woman in the mirror. Of breaking into tears at my own reflection and being filled with so much hate for my OWN body! I cannot stand the ignorant names and noises thrown my way by total strangers and for no reason. That may not happen very often, but the few times it has, have been burned into my brain.

Most of all, I hate the fact that I hate being fat, yet I do nothing about it. I have a million excuses: the healthy food choices are too expensive (which they ARE), I cant go on the elliptical cuz it kills my knees (which it DOES), I cant go out for walks because my ankle that I messed up last year pops in and out (it really does) and also because I am SOOOOO self conscious of going and even walking around my block because of all the ignorant teeny boppers that are flooding the streets with their craptastic attitudes. All of these are absolute truths, but are still excuses none the less.

I NEED to do SOMETHING, tho. I have to! I can't keep living like this. I just need to get off my butt and commit to doing something. Anything! I've said this a million and one times before.... Will this be the time it finally sticks?