Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Sure, silence is golden. But it sure can suck.

I came across the picture a while back and the quote has been stuck in my head ever since...

     I am quite guilty of not always saying what I really want to say. While I am nothing but honest in what I choose to say, I do tend to keep a fairly tight filter on my thoughts. This picture got me wondering why. Why are some things so easy to say, while others are so difficult? What allows us to say hurtful words, or spew forth funny stories, but stops us from uttering words of great importance to us? I think that for many, part of the problem is not wanting to sound stupid. When really, if it's something that is important to you, it is never stupid. I know that for me, a huge part of this problem is not being taken seriously for what I have to say. Or even more, the fear of rejection. I swear to you, I have a real live mosh pit, throwing down inside my head on a daily basis. Thoughts running rampant, sweatily slamming into one another, fighting for the chance to jump on the center stage that is my tongue and be heard. Sadly, most of these thoughts get swallowed back up. And of course, it is always the important ones. Like:
  • "you really pissed me off when you said that to me." 
  • "I'm tired of being treated like the fucking door mat that you wipe your dog shit covered shoes upon."
  • "I don't know how much more I can take." 
  • "I'm just not happy but it's out of my control."
  • "You should probably stay the hell away from me right now, unless you want to get jacked in the face."
  • "No, I'm really not ok, ok?" 
  • "You mean the world to me."
  • And of course, "I love you." 
     I make sure to tell my kiddies that one as often as I can, but other than them, I have a very difficult time expressing that sentiment to the right people. Why? Rejection. I don't just say "I love you" to say it. That is not a phrase that should be taken lightly. So to me, that would be the worst thing possible to say to someone and have it not be returned. Or to say it and have that person then feel... idk, obligated to say it back? I don't ever want to be an obligation to someone. I want to be chosen. To be chosen over and over again. Not because they have to choose me, but because they want to. Because they feel that I am worthy of their love.

     But none of this is likely to change any time soon. I'm sure I will just continue to remain silent and bottle shit in. And life will go on. Like it always does. Because the world keeps spinning and it stops for no one.
1:46 PM / by / 0 Comments

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